Playing a lot of basketball recently and suddenly, somehow, I can shoot.

I plug in my earphones, ignore everything around me and run around like a tit, working up a sweat and a decent shot percentage from outside the top of the key.

Turns out, my local court is run by various interlinked groups of ripped teenagers, all of them topless and jacked. They are always present, if not playing on the court, camped out around the outside, smoking weed, listening to music and spectating – a ghoulish jury summoned directly from my adolescence.

Feeling senior to these boys/men (who could honestly be anywhere between 15 – 30, thanks to looking a lot cooler than I ever was), I am able to play around them without paying any mind, often fucking off to the least populated half of the court to be on my Todd.

This week I found myself shooting up one end whilst the beefed up cool kids were down the other, not playing, just watching. Judging.

This was when a new group of three people entered the court, more my age, maybe older.

Airpods in, I give a cursory nod to the guy at the front with basketball in hand. He looks through me with a vacant stare. Fuck it, I play on.

It is only when I notice that this group have not decided to venture down into the empty half of the court, replete with its tanked baby vultures, that I become suspicious.

Now their leader, just straight up sits down on the free-throw line. A blatant act of aggression.

I respond to this by playing around him, shooting shots near him, throwing looks on occasion, still being met with a blank stare. Getting a little edgy now. I look over at his two pals, who I see now are clearly older. One of them has taken out his phone and is filming in our direction.

I don’t trust this at all and so stop playing, to stare at the guy holding the phone. Music still blaring in my ears I want to make sense of what’s happening.

He’s smiling. I notice that around his neck he is wearing a lanyard, a picture of himself, identifying him as a carer.

I look back to the tall guy sat on the court and his vacant expression hits a little differently.

I unplug an earphone, apologise and fuck off down to the end with the hench toddlers. The guy, the assumed aggressor, stands and starts playing on the hoop whilst his carers film and encourage.

Choose your battles carefully…

I’m 1 for 1 baby